Q: #620. If a man's wife is raped, does he need to forgive the rapist's sin?
A: Let me first begin by stating that this was not a “literal” question that I was asked. However, it is related to the following question I was asked, and I needed to have an example of a severe situation where a loved one was hurt to best answer the question. Here was the original question (paraphrased and reworded a little):
“In Question #151, you said, “I think it is also important to keep in mind that (as far as I am aware), the Bible never once tells us to forgive a wrong done to someone else… We are only commanded to forgive wrongs done to us.” I’m not saying I’m right and you’re wrong, but I’m genuinely confused, and would like further explanation. What goes through my head is “how can we not forgive someone who hurt someone we love? Couldn’t that turn into bitterness and anger, and we could feel the need for revenge?”
Ok, let me try to simplify what I mean when I say that. Let’s start with an example.
Example: When someone commits a sin against God, only God can forgive that sin, right? However, some denominations (primarily the Catholic church) believe that their “priests” have the right and ability to forgive that sin in place of God. That is simply “blasphemy.”
Keeping this in mind, let’s now go to our “rape” question. The Bible tells us in “many” places that when someone hurts us, we need to forgive them for that “hurt.” I address the importance of forgiveness in great detail here, so we won’t do so now (I urge you to read that study). But, here are a few Bible verses to keep in mind:
(Lk 11:4)(The Lord’s Prayer) “And forgive us our sins (trespasses), as we forgive those who sin (trespass) against us.”
(Mk 11:25-26)(NKJV) “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. (26) But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.”
(Rom 12:17-21) Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. (18) If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. (19) Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine: I will repay, saith the Lord. (20) Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in doing so thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. (21) Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
(Col 3:13)(NKJV) bearing with one another, and forgiving one another; if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.
Applying these verses to the situation where a woman is raped, this forgiveness needs to happen “at some point.” I italicize “at some point” because there is a period of hurt, pain, grief, sorrow, and more that needs to be worked through following such a traumatic event. Forgiveness rarely happens immediately. However, without eventual forgiveness, those emotions can turn to “bitterness and anger” that will eat away at the victim (see verses below).
***Note: Much more could be said on this, but I want to stay on question here.
So, let’s combine and reword our “rape victim,” and “priest” example from above.
When a woman is raped, “only” two “people” (God isn’t really a person) can forgive that sin: the victim (against whom the sin was committed), and God (against whom the sin was also committed). Someone forgiving that sin apart from those two would be wrong.
Let’s say that after working through his grief and pain, the husband decides, “I need to forgive the rapist for what he did.” He goes to him and says, “You are forgiven for your sin of rape.” Then, he goes home and tells his wife (who is still working through her grief and pain), ” I went to your rapist and told him, you are forgiven for your sin of rape.” How do you expect the grieving wife would respond?
I think it is safe to say it would be something along the lines of: “HOW DARE YOU!” You have no right to forgive him of that!! He raped ME, not YOU!” She would be right in this assessment.
Tying this to the “priest” example, what do you think that God is thinking when a “priest” tells someone who has sinned against God, “I forgive your sin?” Anger would be one word, right? “HOW DARE YOU! You have no right to forgive that person’s sin! That person sinned against ME, not YOU!
Again, the rapist can “only” be forgiven by the two that he “personally” sinned against: 1. the woman, 2. God.
Now, let’s go back to the question that was asked by the woman in the 2nd paragraph above, “How can we not forgive someone who hurt someone we love?”
She is correct in saying that we “do” need to forgive someone who hurts a loved one. A big HOWEVER is needed here though. Again, using the husband / rapist example, after his wife was raped, the husband likely went through many of the same emotions that she went through (hurt, pain, grief, sorrow, and likely “revenge” too). The rapist was the one who caused him to experience these emotions. THIS is what he needs to forgive the rapist of. In other words, the husband cannot forgive the rape itself, since it was not “directly” committed against him, but he needs to forgive the rapist because his actions “indirectly” caused him pain.
Make sense? So, in summary, both the “victim,” and the one who “loves the victim” need to forgive, but they are forgiving different sins. If they don’t forgive, that unforgiveness turns into bitterness, which the Bible says is a “root” that grows (Heb 12:15), and it gives Satan a stronghold in our lives (2 Cor 2:10-11). (Eph 4:31-32) tells us to “remove it from our life.” Obviously, not doing so will affect one’s walk with the Lord.
***Note: It is also worth noting that we have several examples in the Bible of people who prayed that God would forgive the one (or ones) that hurt them: Jesus (Lk 23:34), Stephen (Acts 7:60), Paul (2 Tim 4:16), Moses (Num 12:13).