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Clean Jokes

Compiled By: Steve Shirley

     There is a quote by John Calvin which says, "We are nowhere forbidden to laugh." Sometimes, we just need a good laugh; so here is my attempt to help with that. Following are some silly (clean) jokes I have heard or read over the years. I don't know who first told them, but if someone deserves credit, please let me know and I will give them due credit.
(***Note: For some humor in the Bible, you can go here.)

A new restaurant opened on the moon. The food is good, but there is no atmosphere.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away.

I'm going outside to stand, so if anyone asks, I'm outstanding.

I know some jokes about unemployment, but they need work.

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw."

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
You never sausage a tragic thing.
It was so sad that he ran out of thyme.
His legacy will become a pizza history.

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Q: What did the duck say to the bartender?

A: Put it on my bill.

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Q: What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A: One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

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Q: How do you make an egg roll?

A: You push it.

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Q: What did the horse say when it fell down?

A: I've fallen and I can't giddy up.

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Q: Why did the stadium get hot after the game?

A: Because all the fans left.

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Q: What dog keeps the best time?

A: A watch dog.

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Q: What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?

A: A receding hare line.

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Q: How do you stop a bull from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

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Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand up on it's own?

A: It was two tired.

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Q: What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

A: Bison.

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Q: Why do bakers work so hard?

A: Because they want to make a lot of dough.

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Q: Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt?

A: Because his career was in ruins.

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Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?

A: A bulldozer.

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Q: How do you make antifreeze?

A: You steal her blanket.

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Q: How do you make a goldfish age?

A: Take out the "g."

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Q: What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary?

A: Wrong.

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Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat?

A: A heavy discussion.

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Q: What did one hat say to another?

A: You stay here, I'll go on a head.

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Q: What do you give to a sick lemon?

A: Lemon aid.

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Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A: I don't know and I don't care.

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Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on?

A: Bare foot.

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Q: What store do dogs refuse to go to?

A: The flea market.

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Q: What belongs to you, but others use more?

A: Your name.

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Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?

A: I think I'm coming down with something.

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Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

A: Because then it would be a foot.

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Q: What kind of button won't unbutton?

A: A bellybutton.

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Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

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Q: What did one plate say to the other?

A: Dinners on me.

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Q: Why do fish always know how much they weigh?

A: They have scales.

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Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye-shadow to school?

A: She had a make-up exam.

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Q: What do John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh have in common?

A: Their middle names.

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Q: How do you kill a circus act?

A: Go for the juggler.

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Q: What do you call a fairy that doesn't take a bath?

A: Stinkerbell.

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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef.

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Q: What did the tree do before his road trip?

A: He packed his trunk.

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Q: What did one tree in the military say to the other?

A: What branch are you in?

 

     Some car jokes my daughter and I made up while on a road trip.

Q: What did the old car say when the young car wanted him to work?

A: I'm re-tired.

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Q: What did one car say to the other when it tried to trick him?

A: You can't fuel me.

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Q: What did one car say to the other when it was tired of their relationship?

A: I need a brake.

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Q: What road does a car take when it doesn't like to pay tolls?

A: The freeway.

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Q: What kind of jelly does a car hate most?

A: Traffic jam.

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Q: What part of town did the ghetto car come from?

A: The hood.

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Q: Where did the car go when it couldn't pay it's rent?

A: The streets.

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Q: What did the car say when it was falling apart?

A: I'm having a breakdown.

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Q: What does a car say when it is tired?

A: I'm exhausted.

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Q: What did one car say to the other after it made it's move?

A: U-turn.

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Q: What does a car like to watch on tv?

A: Car-toons.

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Q: What did the car pray for when it needed direction?

A: A sign.

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Q: What happened when the car drove by the gas station?

A: It passed gas. (credit Lia)

     End of road trip jokes.

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I ate a clock. It was time consuming.

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I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles. My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

A: Of course, the Empire State Building can't jump.

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